What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 09:39
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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One cannot live in the past .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Quia perspiciatis sed qui quidem voluptas excepturi possimus.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And i lived it daily.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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I will be 64.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But ive been too sick for many years..
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She was in good health!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She married twice! .
When she asked me how she looked .
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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I write beautiful poetry .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Why do the majority of feminists hate men (not all feminists)?
I waited trembling.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
This is soul school!.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I was scared of men, in general
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But, we were locked up after school.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So whats the point in blame.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Ive learnt so much.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Was to survive, this bastard.
She loved him until the end.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Put me off passion for life!!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Especially a lifetime of it.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He knew the spot.
But it wasn’t much.
It was going to be , some day.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My family never makes their pension either.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She wouldn,t have been !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We were not on the streets..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Would this be the day?
Who then, do I blame.?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Comes on , in middle age.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was very sick at this time too.
We all went to grammer schools
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was 9 years of age.
Im still living with it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
What did i know ?
So, i spoilt her more .
I have no regrets .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My life is so biszare .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was seconnd youngest,
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I don,t even have a pension.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
All the time i was locked up.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She found it foreign!.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I said to her
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I think the readers, may guess!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i do to all so called friends.?